On the morning of October 2, 2020, President Donald Trump revealed to the nation that he had recently tested positive for COVID-19. The Bald Spot somehow managed to obtain exclusive audio footage of the President initially revealing the diagnosis to his wife, the First Lady. Read on for an excerpt from the transcript:
[A door is heard opening, followed by the approach of heels.]
MELANIA TRUMP: Good evening, Donald.
PRES. TRUMP: Good evening. How are you?
MT: It is unlike you to ask to speak with me.
DJT: Well, what happened was I said to my people to get you here because I have something to ask you. And it’s a small question, a very beautiful little—
MT: What is it?
DJT: —Excuse me—a beautiful little question that they say some very fine people are asking today.
MT: What?
[There is a moment of silence.]
DJT: Melania, what I’m asking you is if you’ve gotten yourself tested.
MT: What?
DJT: Oh, come on, you heard what I said. Yes, you did, you heard very finely what I said. I said “have you been tested.”
MT: …For what?
DJT: Well, they call it a lot of things, Melania. Sleepy Joe Biden and the Radical Socialist Do Nothing Democrats would rather call it the “coronavirus.” But, you know what? It came from China, the plague, from China, and we are showing stronger numbers than any President in history has ever done before, but it did come from China. So you call it the China Virus or you call it the China Plague. And if you look at—
MT: You caught the China Virus?
DJT: The China Plague, yes.
[Approximately nine seconds elapse.]
M: Donald.
DJT: Yes.
MT: How did you get it?
DJT: Pardon?
MT: You weren’t with another woman, were you?
DJT: What a nasty question. That is a nasty, rude question to ask me. Frankly, I think I’m being treated very unfairly by you right now, more unfairly, probably, than any President has ever been treated before, with the possible exception of Abraham Lincoln. Now in 2016, when we won by a very, very big amount and did something that has never been done before in history, they did do the biggest political crime since Watergate. Bigger than Watergate, I think, actually. They spied on my campaign. Crooked Hillary Clinton and Obama and Sleepy Joe, they spied on my campaign. And it was the biggest political crime, I call it, the biggest political crime that there has ever been. So I don’t need you spying on my personal life, Melania. I don’t need you doing that.
MT: Donald! You tell me the truth, right now!
DJT: Look, it’s the testing, okay? The reason we have more cases, that I have more cases, is because we do more testing than any other country. We’re number one in testing right now. And believe me, nobody loves testing more than me. It’s just that—
MT: It’s Hope Hicks, isn’t it? You were spending time with Hope Hicks.
DJT: I guess I’m debating you now, but that’s okay. I’m not surprised. Look. It may be said that I have tremendous popularity with women. They say we won women by a tremendous margin in 2016. But I think you’re being incredibly dishonest with me and with the American people when you ask me nasty questions like that. And I do see the way you look, maybe, at Mike when he walks down the West Wing, so I think maybe it’s all up in the air as to who—
MT: Donald, I have not left my room in two months and you know that! How could you possibly—
DJT: Okay. Thank you very much, everybody.
[Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the U.S.A.” plays as Trump exits the room.]