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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The Carletonian


    <s to the U.S. government shutdown.

    Yes, the new standard for adulthood has been set by our esteemed, learned, and wise leaders – a lesson on how to act when we don’t get what we want.

    This promising news for us students who belong to the “most selfish and lazy” generation that our country has ever seen. This gives us a legitimate excuse, as Millennials, to follow the example set by the hardworking generation of Baby Boomers in Congress and shut down Carleton when we don’t make the Dean’s List or run out of printing dollars. Why? Because apparently that’s how things are done in the good ol’ U.S. of A these days.

    The key to throwing the perfect temper tantrum, er… I mean shutdown, is broken down as such: 1). Feel like your opinion isn’t being heard after expressing yourself in a variety of uncreative albeit repetitive ways – the injustice! 2). Watch as your opinion about the matter is logically, legally, and entirely proved wrong through a series of meetings. 3). But…..wait…. That wasn’t the answer that you wanted to hear…You’re in the right! They’re wrong!, 4). React out of bitterness, hate all things good in the world, and revenge, which leads to 5). Shutdown Carleton. Shutdown the Perlman Museum, shutdown the monkey labs in Olin, shutdown janitorial services. You need to prove a point! Who cares about the people that are going to get shafted in the process? Not you! Definitely not the toddler in the mirror stamping their foot repeatedly on the ground out of misplaced self-righteousness (that guy is way too cool for this shit)!

    Listen up, guys. This shutdown might seem thousands of miles away, because you know, it literally is, but you have to feel like you’re right there in Washington witnessing the biggest hissy fit and sore loser showmanship in the past 15 years. As students and young adults who have been pigeonholed as the “getting rewarded for doing nothing by helicopter parents” generation by members of the same generation that is acting like they’re still in Pull-Ups, it is vitally important to engage yourself in this debate. Read your favorite news source, re-watch the School House Rock episode about how bills get passed, and educate yourselves on the finer details of Obamacare. For once, learn something from these adult-babies poor decision-making and always remember to a). Be an honorable loser – whether your point gets shot down in class, your best friend steals your girlfriend, or someone takes the last piece of flourless chocolate cake in Burton, do NOT react by crashing the International World’s economy and b). Know the laws and the constitution –do NOT throw around superfluous language about socialism and democracy when you haven’t read up on the definitions of government within the past decade. Educate yourselves; act with honor and poise. This is why you’re at Carleton, after all.

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