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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

How to survive at Carleton in the event of another flood

<yles flooded last week, which basically means the world as we know it near reached the apocalypse. The bookstore, post office and Sayles café closed–leaving hundreds of nerdy, hungry college students roaming the streets desperate for their textbooks, random packages they ordered from Amazon Prime and croissants. As a student body, we must be prepared for impending disaster that we may face on a later date. Here are a few tips on surviving the floods:

1.  Climb to the top of the water tower and make obscure hand gestures to get someone’s attention

2.  Attach a message to Lyman and send him away to deliver it—curly fries from afar will come soon after

3. Build an ark, collect the necessary animals and sail across the Cannon River to safety

4.  Or if you are a simpler person, build a canoe out of the oaks on the Hill of Three Oaks

5.  Relocate to the distant isle of Goodhue—at least you’ll be safe far away from the floods

6.   Escape to your floor lounge for shelter—stockpile food and blankets and only communicate with your friends and floormates via smoke signal

7. Rent the scuba gear in Cowling and hope for the best

8.  Hold a séance on Mai Fete to communicate with the Nature Gods

9.  Put on your nearest bathing suit and revel in the fact that Sayles Hill is a swimming pool again

10.   Count your losses and order Dominos for that late-night fix

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