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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The calamity of street sweeping

<st Monday, May 1, students at Carleton woke up to a mass email. “Street Sweeping Schedule,” read the subject line.

The seemingly innocuous email, once opened, contained an attachment detailing the times of day that campus streets would be unavailable for use during three days the coming week. Areas being swept included the Weitz Center lot, the Memorial/Concert Hall Lot, and even the drive passing by Scoville, Willis and Sayles.

Panic swept through campus dormitories, bringing even the bravest car owners on campus to tears. Students with the financial means to afford vehicle permits expressed concerns in being able to carry out the most basic tasks required of them throughout the allotted days.

Joe Fabeetz ’77, regular contributor to Carleton print publications, believed that the lack of a firm schedule would limit his ability to train for athletic competitions. “Come on! What, am I supposed to skip three days of morning practice because they can’t give us an exact time they’re going to be cleaning the [expletive] Rec Center lot? I can’t park, I can’t train. I can’t train, our Rottblatt team’s gonna be [expletive] this year, and you all know it.”

William Carleton himself, financial contributor and namesake of the College, expressed disbelief at the current administration’s nerve in closing off these areas for an unspecified amount of time during these days.

“Our generation endowed upon this college, and all future generations thereby, the glory of free academic pursuits. The spirit of Carleton College, until this fateful day, remained fine and noble, a sanctuary wherein only the most pious of men— wait, what? Y’all are secular now? WOMEN go here? [expletive] this [expletive] man, I’m out. You’re on your own.” Carleton proceeded to strip naked and streak his way off of campus.

Carly North ’–, perpetual freshman and OneCard model, worried about what might happen to her professors in the face of such blatant disregard for their schedules. “I mean, I know my prof ALWAYS parks behind Sayles. What if she has to park all the way across campus—or worse, in town?” North went on to express fears that planned street sweeping would interfere with her academics. “Our class might even start late. We only have three and a half hours each week! Every minute wasted is valuable time I could spend enriching my intellect by vigorously nodding at a lecture I don’t fully understand!”

Despite community members’ concerns, May 2nd, 3rd and 5th passed without incident.

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