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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

Geese: The subtle menace of Minnesota

<ir="ltr">Geese: The terror above the treetops; The scourge of the skies; The feathered phantom; Lucifer of the Long Neck. These are just a few of the myriad of names by which these beasts are known. They’re out there and they’re coming for you. Carleton is only one step on their terrible quest for world domination.

Let me tell you a story. When I was just a boy of eight or so, my family took a trip to the beach. It was sandy, and I was bored, but fortunately there was this nice grassy field behind the beach to play in that was neither sandy nor boring. And, lo and behold, in the field there were already some nice birds to play with – geese, to be exact. It could be like Arthur, but with geese instead of aardvarks. How wonderful.

But then – betrayal. As I ran up to frolic with my new friends, one of them emerges from the pack, rears up to its full height (substantially taller than I was, might I add), flaps its wings, and, bleating out a horrendous battle-cry, lopes towards me on surprisingly agile legs. At this point, the fight-or-flight response took over, and I most definitely chose “flight.” I ran back screaming to my parents, having glimpsed for a moment the true terrifying power of the goose.

Since then I have stayed away from these creatures. Whenever my friends would find it fun to run through a flock of geese and make them fly away, I would hang back and watch. I dare not anger again the great power that is the modern goose. I thought by moving away from Wisconsin I would be safe from their awful dominion, but unfortunately it turns out that the climates of Wisconsin and Minnesota aren’t that different, and geese live here too. The struggle continues.

So to all my warm-weather friends who have never experienced the terrifying initiation into the world of geese, let me warn you now: STAY THE F AWAY FROM THOSE THINGS.

And don’t blame me when you’re gobbled up like bread crumbs.

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