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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

Minnesota Winters: How to Make Them Slightly Less Terrible

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As a Minnesotan, I know Minnesota winters can make even the most hard-core Minnesotan say “uff da”! And by “uff da,” I mean question why on earth they live in a state that basically becomes a glorified piece of ice every winter. However, fear not! We Minnesotans are not total idiots; over the years we’ve come up with ways to deal with our long winters, which in some ways have made winter the most underrated time of the year.

1.Wear a hat. As my mom always says, if your head’s warm, your body’s warm. The crazier the hat, the better.

2. Wear a coat, for goodness sake! No one cares how ridiculous you look; all they’re thinking about is how long it would take to dig a snow tunnel from their dorm to Sayles.

3. Bake cookies. During the winter at my house, we always have cookies in the fridge. We practically bake cookies every day. Cookies are a food group during the winter, and it’s a known fact that pre-made Keebler chocolate chip cookie dough is how settlers in early Minnesota managed not to die.

4. Speaking of food groups, warm beverages are the key to getting up in the morning. Whether it’s coffee, hot chocolate or tea, they’ll make you forget momentarily that you have to walk to class.

5. Have some wine with dinner. It’s completely acceptable during the winter to drink. Heck, I think it’s even acceptable to do homework at a bar. The Contented Cow opens at 3pm for a reason, and that reason is so you can drag your coated, hatted butt down there to study.

6. Create interesting swear words. Now, I won’t repeat any of these here, but when it’s a particularly cold day outside, Minnesota nice is no longer a requirement. I’ve heard many a straight-laced Minnesotan come up with some creative, on-the-spot curses.

7. Don’t trust the sun. Sure, it’s sunny out, but that doesn’t mean it’s not butt cold. Let’s just say that the sun is the ultimate troll.

8. Complaining is a competitive sport. Hockey might be the quintessential winter sport, but complaining is an activity everyone can do. If your house door freezes shut, your windows ice up, or your walk to class is particularly icy, you’ve just won the unlucky lottery. Also, exaggerating is encouraged.

9. If you want to be the worst, you could also go the other way and insist that Minnesota winters “aren’t that bad” and wonder loudly why people complain so much. Be advised that this tactic may end up getting you punched in your stupid face.

10. Learn a useless skill. The Minnesota State Fair exists for a reason…we need an opportunity to show off our awesome seed art skills. Some of the pieces last year were a portrait of Grumpy Cat and a version of Munch’s painting, The Scream.

11. Make freaky looking snowmen. Use your artistic skills to express your anger at the weather, and make some Calvin and Hobbes style snow monsters. Of course, you’ll have to brave the cold to do so. Just make sure you don’t forget your hat.

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