Every lunch period in the Burton cafeteria, students witness a strange occurrence. Within about 30 seconds of being set out by kitchen staff, the Caesar salad served in a big white bowl next to the pizza disappears completely. Students flock to scoop up the crisp green leaves covered in a mysteriously delicious dressing, decking their salads in chalky croutons and shredded parmesan. Often referred to as a stampede, it is common to witness students knock others over or resort to physical violence in their pursuit of the strangely addictive salad. On more civil, quiet days, a line forms in front of the salad bowl that continues across the Burton serving floor, down the stairs, and into the main cafeteria. The rare student careless enough to drop their bowl is prone to spontaneous bursting into tears; a frankly conservative response to such a world-ending crisis.

Many have speculated as to why the Burton caesar salad is so addictive. Speculation came to a head last week as students returned to campus. After a 6-week long break, students went especially feral for the salad. During the first lunch rush after break, at around 12 on Monday, a brawl broke out among lunch goers stocking their plates in Burton. It began with two students arguing over the last remnants of the Burton caesar salad, violently wrestling the tongs between each other. The fight quickly escalated, involving dozens of students forming a circle before joining in; chanting and egging on the fight before kitchen staff were forced to intervene. Video footage from the event was spread widely across campus. No salad was harmed or spilled in the conflict, thankfully.

After school authorities got word of the incident, they launched a formal investigation into the cause of the fight. Administrators were seen filing into the Burton cafeteria at lunchtime on Tuesday, shoving and elbowing their way through the caesar salad line to inspect the big porcelain bowl before taking a small sample of the salad dressing by scraping the eternally empty bowl. 

Reportedly, after further testing by Northfield police department, school administrators discovered the reason behind the addictive nature of the caesar salad, publicising in a report last week that the caesar salad dressing actually contained traces of a highly addictive substance. 

Very few were shocked upon learning of the extremely addictive substance. Immediately after publishing their findings, school administrators prohibited the serving of Caesar salad at the Burton dining hall until they identified the origins of the substance. In response, angry, agitated students launched a protest outside the cafeteria on Thursday, demanding the return of the salad. Since the prohibition of the salad, students across campus have reported symptoms of withdrawal, with many experiencing unusual drowsiness, depression, and irritability. To those struggling, SHAC has released guidelines on how to navigate withdrawal on their website, as well as their own recipe for Advil Cobb Salad.