Carleton has many quirky traditions such as the stealing of Schiller, Friday Flowers and now the latest new thing: Bone Drive. Join me in this hastily thrown-together report to find out more about this new Carleton tradition.
I first heard about the Bone Drive as I was walking back from LDC, stuffing my face with muffins because the eggs are truly vile. Walking past the Bald Spot, I overheard two students excitedly yapping away about something that for once wasn’t frisbee or whatever the heck kids these days talk about. As one shouted, “Did you hear about the Bone Drive?”
The other responded “Oh yeah! It sounds like a great way for me to both get rid of my extra bones, and help out boneless children all across America!”
“Hey c’mon, man,” the other student said, “the proper terminology is bone-deprived individuals.”
Naturally, as someone who has three elbows and six toes, this piqued my curiosity. I emailed my prof and told her I was sick with some freshman flu variation (one of the downsides of going to a small school is that attendance actually matters ) and sprinted to Carleton’s BO house (BO stands for Bone Office and should not be confused with Musser Hall). After asking more questions, I gathered that the Bone Drive is exactly what it sounds like. On Oct. 28 and 29. Corresponding with the Blood Drive, Carleton’s Bone Drive will be there to collect extra bones. In fact, those who have signed up to give blood will be asked on arrival if they are interested in giving a bone, with the promise of extra girl scout cookies, which is something of a manipulation. I, personally, am thrilled that Carleton is finally doing something to give back to the bone-deprived community after all its years of taking from them. Am I a little biased? Sure, of course I am. I’ve been looking for YEARS for ways to get rid of my extra bones, but none of my friends will help me get them out! and my sister was born without a knee. However, since all good journalism is supposed to be unbiased, I’ve asked my non-journalist friend, Anton (a pseudonym), to give us his side of the Bone Drive Story.
“Hi, I’m Anton and I HATE the bone drive. Those without bones, or whatever the hell liberals today call them, are straight useless and I’ll be damned if I give up any bones for them. I’ve drank milk every day of my life for the past 7 years for a reason. I don’t f*** with milk but I’ve fought through it. Why? To keep my bones healthy and strong, and to promote growth of new bones. And frankly, I’ll be damned if some dumb boneless tries to mooch off MY hard work. The worst part about this is how I’m going to seem crazy for saying these things because ‘Greg you can’t say that’. Yeah, okay. Cancel me. Go for it, pal. But I’m just saying what we’re all thinking here. Especially at Carleton, a lot of you will tell me that boneless idiots were born with this ailment, and they didn’t do anything to deserve it. But tough s***! That’s their problem, and it shouldn’t be mine. I’m far from a journalist but I know about “calls to action” so here’s what I’m gonna do: On Oct 28 through 29, find me at 10:00 am in front of the chapel. Bring markers, poster board or whatever you find necessary for a peaceful protest. Wear baggy clothing so they can’t identify if you have extra bones. We’re shutting the Bone Drive down, whether admin likes it or not.”