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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

CSA Joke Candidate Profile: John Coffee

Q: What is the main issue you hope to address as a Class of 2022 Representative?

A: Education is a weapon whose effects depend on who holds it in his hands and at whom it is aimed.

Q: Where did you grow up? What was your childhood like?

A: We are not makers of history. We are made by history.

Q: What caused your fascination with politics?

A: One death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.

Q: Who is your biggest role model?

A: In the Soviet Army it takes more courage to retreat than advance.

Q: What can you offer the CSA that other candidates do not?

A: Ideas are more powerful than guns. We would not let our enemies have guns; why should we let them have ideas?

Q: What is your relationship with the other candidates? Competitive or friendly?

A: The people who cast the votes don’t decide an election; the people who count the votes do.

Q: Where would you align yourself on the political spectrum?

A: When we hang the capitalists they will sell us the rope we use.

Q: Thoughts on the death of Barbara Bush?

A: This creature softened my heart of stone. She died and with her died my last warm feelings for humanity.

Q: Favorite political leader?

A: Joseph Stalin.

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