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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

Still Single After Valentine’s Day? Try These Five Simple Steps

Since there’s no need to rub it in, I won’t mention that many of you, including me, are probably single. Nonetheless, this article may prove particularly useful to those of you who do happen to be single, particularly if you are unhappy with that status.

Below is a list of step-by-step instructions for finding your soulmate.* By following these five simple steps, you are guaranteed** to obtain a romantic partner within between ten days and nineteen months. You may complete the first three steps in whatever order you prefer.

*This term is used for its expressive force and not meant to be taken literally.

**Note that I cannot be held liable if you fail to obtain a partner within nineteen months despite following all steps as described. If you do succeed, I am not liable if you find out that your new partner has a criminal record or is untrustworthy for any reason. Furthermore, I cannot guarantee that you and your new partner will stay together throughout the nineteen-month period, nor can I guarantee that if you break up with your partner, you will succeed in finding a replacement.

Step 1: Become the best possible version of yourself. (If you believe that you are already your best self, you may skip this step.)

An important part of this is becoming a morally respectable person, but be careful to avoid the trap of becoming too moral. For example, no one wants a friend—much less a romantic partner—who refuses to spread gossip or encourages them to feel any sympathy for people they find irritating. It is also important to remember that everyone hates someone who comes across as too perfect. 

Even more important is to make sure that you are a fun and interesting person, and that you are always true to yourself. No one wants to be around someone who comes across as fake or lacks interest in the same things they themselves are interested in. 

Step 2: Develop absolute confidence.

There is never any reason to be afraid in life, since being afraid does nothing to prevent your fears from coming true. In fact, there is every reason not to be afraid: not only will anxiety ruin your life and hasten your death, but it will prevent you from ever finding love. No one wants to be around someone who lacks absolute confidence. 

There are so many self-help books on how to develop confidence that it would be a waste of spacetime to say more here.

Step 3: Accept everything about everyone, and stop giving advice.

People enjoy being accepted and loved for who they are, so showing this kind of acceptance toward your prospective romantic partner will be an excellent strategy for winning their love. The trap you may fall into here is thinking that you do not need to develop the ability to accept others as a general rule, on the basis that you will automatically feel acceptance for anyone you’re in love with. And this is probably true—as long as you are still in love. Most romantic love does not last forever, and if you can only accept your partner fully for as long as you stay in love with them, you are in for serious relationship problems once your passion cools. So you must learn to accept others indiscriminately.

The most important component of acceptance is never giving advice. (In fact, the ability to resist giving advice is so important in so many areas of life that you should consider telling family, friends and even strangers to start developing this skill as well.) The tricky thing about this is that some people are so out of touch with themselves that they actually think they want advice and may even demand it from you. If your prospective romantic partner is one of these people, you are in a difficult situation. When conversing with them, try to avoid topics that may lead them to solicit advice, such as their personal struggles.

If your desired partner does demand your advice, do not refuse, or you will come across as uncooperative and perhaps even useless. But since the only thing worse than giving advice is giving bad advice, you must immediately be ready to offer good advice about whatever problem they are facing. The best way to be prepared to offer this advice is by observing the person carefully and critically whenever you see them, and making note of anything they could be doing better. If you are ever unsure of what advice to give—whether you lack confidence because you have not yet completed step two, or whether you simply lack the necessary information to propose a perfect solution to their problem—the best solution is to give contradictory advice, which ensures that at least half of it will be helpful.

Step 4: Identify and improve your prospective romantic partner.

There are lots of great people in the world but not enough for everyone to have one as a partner. It is important that if you cannot find a prospective partner who meets your standards, you can improve them until they do. Since you will already have completed step 1 by now, this is really simple: all you need to do is encourage your prospective partner to imitate you.

Step 5: Flirt.

This should be self-explanatory. 

Good luck!

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