Watch out: Jay/Jerome Levi is set to return to campus next term. What most people don’t know, however, is that he returned to campus long ago as a squirrel. He has been back on campus for weeks now, functionally living on the 20 meal plan by eating from the dumpsters outside Sayles. One benefit of life as a squirrel is that no one can file a CCF against a squirrel, and even better for him, it’s impossible to get an NCO with a squirrel.

CSA (Confederate States of Alhambra) is still looking into who exactly Jerome/Jay Levi is. But they have promised that once they find out, they will go full force into attempting to jump over the lowest possible bar. Following their usual motto “Say something, do nothing, and do it months later.” CSA has put together a committee to figure out who exactly this Jay/Jerome Levi is, and are currently asking themselves for funding to pursue this. “If we’re lucky we’ll be able to say 5 whole words that we agree on and do it by the end of 2028,” said a member who knows good and well that it will most likely be 3.5 words by 2050.

This is a stellar reaction compared to the administration’s swift decision to give that squirrel extra hibernation time.