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Sunday morning after his iconic performance, we sat down with T- Pain at Tandem Bagels.
A light drizzle splattered the windows. Looking put-together in dark blue jeans, a black t-shirt and matching blazer, T-Pain peered through his flashy shades at the expansive menu.
After some deliberation, he ordered a blueberry bagel with honey-walnut cream cheese. We asked him if we could buy him a drank.
“Yes. Chocolate milk, please.”
(Note: this interview is entirely fictional. Sadly, T-Pain declined an interview (really TP?), thus we took the advice of Dennis Cass, the flyest guy we’ve ever met (since we’ve never met T-Pain), and made our dreams come true. Some of these quotes are made up by us, while others are legit via the internet. We’ll leave it up to you to discern which is which.)
EN: So T-Pain, what drew you to come to Carleton?
TP: Honestly, the locale. Take this place, for example. [T-Pain raises hands]. What an establishment. You can’t get a decent blueberry bagel in all of New York City–forget about Florida. Tallahassee pain, I’m telling you.
DH: What is your favorite thing you did in Northfield this weekend?
TP: I went to a barbeque at President Poskanzer’s house and we flipped burgers. It was great to just get back to the crib and see how Minnesotans really live. Shout out to my man Stevie.
EN: A big question a lot of us are wondering is, why did you decide not to sing “I’m on a Boat?”
TP: It was just so expected. I try to diversify my content. Really subvert expectations, you know? That’s a really ’effin dumb song too. What if you had to say you “’effed a mermaid” a hundred times while wearing a top hat and grillz?
DH: That’s fair.
EN: What do you like to do when you’re not performing?
TP: I’ll treat myself every now and then. Like if I get $100,000, I’ll spend $20,000 and put the rest away. Saving is important—write that down.
EN: Who is your dream collaborator?
TP: I’m a fan of Jay-Z, I’mma always be fan of Jay-Z. Kanye is the weirdest… He is the weirdest person I know other than me. I’ve told him that before.
DH: So what is your next big career move?
TP: I got money in the bank. Shawty, what you think ‘bout that?
EN: Me?
T-Pain: Maybe find me a grey cadillac. Yeah she know it. Yeah, yeah she know it.
She gon’ make me spend some money on it.
EN: What?
DH: What do you say to haters?
TP: Literally, anytime people read my tweets, they hear it in Auto-Tune. But I’m still a person, a human being, ja feel? There’s a lot of metal in my teeth, but I’m no robot. My dad always told me that the best way to get somebody back is to talk bad about them to somebody else, so that’s what I do. And I’m on TV. My dad also always said you can’t hate Britney Spear because, you know, no matter what Britney Spear been doing, she’s still on TV.
EN: What advice would you give to Carleton students?
TP: You gotta be sensible sometimes. Like this Rotblatt sh*t? Some of you kids invited me, but I’m 30. I have a family–shoutout to my wife, Amber, and my kids, Lyriq, Muziq, Kaydnz.1 So yeah. Sometimes it’s good to take breather, you know, watch youtube videos and eat Dominoes. I guess you do that too though.
1 Serioulsy, we’re not making this up.
