Where does the U.S. government keep its most dangerous prisoners? A fool might say, “in a maximum security prison of course!” They’d be wrong. A slightly less foolish fool would say, “In a C.I.A. black site, at Guantanamo Bay.” Still wrong, but less wrong. The reality is that the U.S. government doesn’t want to keep its most dangerous inmates somewhere obvious – that’d be far too risky. Instead, the U.S. federal government keeps its most dangerous prisoners hidden in plain sight. In fact, we have one here at Carleton College.

The history of the suit of armor in upper Sayles is full of half-truths, forgotten memories and mystery. When I got here, I asked why they needed to lock it away in an impenetrable glass box? What was so serious that they went so far as to put a camera in the box? I was told the same old thing as always: that students always used to steal it, and they got tired of trying to find it, so they installed a camera. But this has always been fishy. 

Here are the main reasons they’re clearly lying to us! First, they’ve let us steal Schiller for decades; what’s so different about this! Second, the suit of armor moves just a little bit every few days. He must be trying to escape. Third, when have they ever told us the truth! Their only goal is to get as much money from us once we graduate, not to tell us the truth.

Now that we’ve discovered this ghastly secret, something must be done about it. After coming to this discovery myself, I was in shock. But no longer will we let the wool be pulled over our eyes; we must rip it off and fight back! 

The only way we can ever get rid of this terror that’s been hidden in our midst is to steal the suit of armor and let go whoever has been trapped inside. If we don’t, we run the risk of a murderer being released on our campus with no warning and thousands dying.