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Snickerdos and Snickerdonts

So there’s been talk across campus the last few weeks. Things aren’t quite the same. Perhaps this year’s freshmen are a bit cooler. This year’s parties a bit mellower. But one issue has stood out as the most pressing concern of the 2015 academic year – is it possible that, this year, the cookies taste kinda different?

A sweeping survey of the student body conducted earlier this year provides some insight into the matter. Carleton students feel very strongly that something is up. Close statistical analysis of the four gathered responses reveals 100% agreement on the matter. Personal interviews yielded similar results. “Are the cookies different?” we asked.

“Absolutely,” says Erica Crouser, renowned connoisseur. “Oh, definitely,” says David Sopor, class of ‘17. “Yes,” says Kathleen McKenna, General Manager of Bon Appétit.

A bit of investigative journalism has cast some light on the matter. Here’s the skinny – we were right. Bon Appétit has chosen a new source for their cookie dough. Both the LDC and Burton are now serving cookies made with batter supplied by a company called Hampton Creek, (like ‘cooperation with local farmers’ and ‘cookies that won’t give you diabetes,’) pale in comparison to the feeling of, in the words of one junior, “just biting into a really awesome cookie.”

“I wish they’d stop trying to force us to be healthy,” says one student. “This goes against every fundamental principle of the founding of our country. But that’s what America has come to these days. Thanks, Obama.”

Says another, “If I didn’t want ‘heart attack at 25’ written on my tombstone, I wouldn’t touch the cheesy eggs with a 10-foot pole. You really think I care what’s in the cookies?”

Well, guys, Bon Appétit does. And they care about us, too. Today’s actually Food Day, you know – a day when we stop and think, “Hey. Maybe I won’t go back for a third waffle.” This year, says Bon Appétit General Manager Kathleen McKenna, “The focus this Food Day is to educate students on how much sugar an average American eats on a regular basis.” That doesn’t mean they’re instituting a sugar ration. It’s just that increased awareness about what we’re eating can’t be a bad thing. However healthy you can really call a cookie, it’s clear that Hampton Creek’s products are certainly less harmful than their predecessors, both to the self and to the environment. There’s actually a neat tool on Hampton Creek’s website that shows exactly what is saved each time one of their world-friendly cookies is produced- how much water is saved, how much cholesterol consumption is avoided, how much carbon emission is spared, and so on, in contrast with the production of a normal cookie. Check it out- look up Hampton Creek Cookie Calculator, and it’ll be right there. Each cookie consumed saves 11 quarts of water, 76 grams of carbon emissions, and avoids 13 milligrams of cholesterol. No comment on how those figures are calculated – I’m just a kid with bad internet connection, not an ecologist.

So there you have the deal with our cookies. Yep, new source of dough. Yep, they’re not quite so sweet. But they won’t kill you. Might as well be grateful to Bon Appétit.

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