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(April Fool) Carleton College Announces New Quality of Life Initiatives

Carleton College today announced plans to implement a series of quality of life initiatives designed to foster inclusion and raise satisfaction levels across campus. Following the success of the $400 million Every Carl for Carleton capital campaign, the College plans to match money with morals over the next decade. 

“We’ve heard you, and we’re delighted to embark on a bold agenda for campus life improvements,” said College President Steven Poskanzer.

“Once the endowment surpasses $1 billion, we will have no excuse but to invest in community well-being, in terms of both capital planning priorities and campus culture,” said Vice President and Treasurer Fred Rogers ’72. “The College prides itself in providing the highest-caliber undergraduate teaching and learning experience, and we understand that the promise of Carleton will be best kept when students, faculty and staff are accommodated in such a way that mitigates everyday concerns as much as possible. Simply put, we envision a Carleton where all are best-equipped to participate in the transformative academic and personal growth that the College has long offered.” 

The quality of life agenda, tentatively named #OneCarleton, includes the following initiatives:

By 2022, Carleton will raise student employment wages to $12.50 an hour, allowing students with financial aid to work fewer hours in order to meet their work-study contributions. 

The Admissions and Financial Aid Committee (AFAC) plans to re-establish need-blind admissions to all applicants, regardless of citizenship status and nationality, by 2029. “One budget blunder in the mid-90s does not have to mean damnation,” said Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid Paul Thiboutot. 

In addition, AFAC has plans to replace loans with grants in all financial aid award packages by 2027. The College looks forward to joining a growing list of selective U.S. colleges and universities that have eliminated student loans. 

All interest houses other than CANOE will undergo comprehensive renovations, including, but not limited to, industrial-grade appliances, kitchen islands, light wood paneling, and windows that neither crack nor get stuck in sub-zero temperatures. 

The Office of Intercultural & International Life (OIIL) will move into a new facility. Construction will begin in 2020 and plans for a light fixture will commence in 2021.

Student Health and Counseling (SHAC), the Office of Health Promotion (OHP) and Human Resources (HR) will collaborate on the Carleton Wellness Initiative (CWI), an integrated care approach designed to expand counseling availability to students and subsidized counseling for faculty and staff in their benefits packages, including for contract staff and visiting professors. CWI will also bring a team of primary care physicians and dentists for campus-wide check-ups and referrals on two Saturdays of each term. Family members of faculty and staff will be eligible for check-up and referral appointments with the same care team on two Fridays of each term. Additionally, CWI will introduce a reverse mentorship program that will pair students with faculty and staff on a 1:1 basis, recognizing the importance of intergenerational understanding.

The College will implement a severe weather plan effective Winter Term 2020. The plan  will accommodate faculty and staff commuting concerns and childcare needs in blizzard conditions, equip community-based student employees with emergency pay, and expand Sayles-Hill provisions beyond warm broth. 

All residence halls will be outfitted with air conditioning.

All dining halls will serve chicken that is penetrable by a common knife, and fully defrosted peas at all salad bars.

Please note that this is satire. None of the quotes are real.

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