Can you feel it? The air hangs heavy with anticipation. Ominous storm clouds sit on the horizon waiting for their moment to strike.
Just yesterday, a herald blew in from out of town, foretelling our impending doom. He warns us that we should not repent for it is already too late to save us. Ill portents abound: trees grow backwards in the Arb. The Lyman Lakes have frozen over. Water runs black from the faucet. Everyone sleeps, but no one feels rested. Strange lights blink up in the sky and then disappear with no explanation for what they were in the first place. The sun rises at night and sets in the morning. The dogs have started drinking whiskey and the cats have all disappeared. This is not the rapture, no, the chance for that has already gone and passed. This is something far worse.
The horde is approaching, their vanguard is already here. Vineyard Vines has run clean out of vests. Patagonia is sure to follow. Discussions of multipliers and valuations reverberate through Sayles, which has also increased its prices by nearly 70%. One must be opportunistic to survive in a time like this. Service workers are trembling in fear and the local banks are shivering with breathless excitement. Arcane incantations have appeared, almost at random, on the school’s walls, whiteboards, chalkboards, bathroom stalls, mascots, professors, students, compost bins, soccer balls and plates. Their meanings are inscrutable: ROI, ADR, B2G, WTF, CDO, SKU, TAM, CAC, WC, VC, PE. These profane utterances, meaningless as they so obviously are, can only be the result of the terrible madness gripping not only this wicked cadre, but indeed the entirety of our modern civilization. Like nature itself, they operate on a quarterly cycle, but they are anything but natural.
We are left asking why it is us who are condemned to deal with this plague? And yet our prayers will go unanswered, for they are the living proof of the injustice of the world, even if they are merely the symptom.
Some preventative measures may be taken. They are discouraged by acronyms they do not yet understand. T-shirts bearing left-leaning political slogans may keep them at bay. Some have found success in laying down a line of garlic on the threshold of their dorm. But you cannot stop their effects. And even the most well-prepared will feel that slight, unavoidable wave of repulsion in one’s spine upon hearing an earnest endorsement for lowering the corporate tax rate (even for the one who advocates it).
Yes indeed, my friends, it is true. The venture capital workshop is coming to Carleton. It will take place on Friday, October 10th. Details ought not be sought out. You are encouraged not to attend, and to shelter in place.