It shocked Carletonian readers and writers alike to learn in a campus announcement email that Doechii had stepped down as headliner of Sproncert. In fact, we in the editors’ meeting were so shocked that after reading the first sentence, we stopped reading and heard the rest of the information solely through word of mouth. Because we at the newspaper don’t believe in evidence, we took what we heard immediately at face value. What we found rekindled our excitement for the event, and we are pleased to be the ones to reveal the replacement headliner: Tucker Carlson, formerly of Fox News.
Carlson was banished from Fox several weeks ago as incendiary text messages about the network’s heads went public. However, we are glad to see that the scrappy little man has landed on his feet. He has succeeded in transforming his incomparable on-air gravitas and truthfulness into a powerful stage presence, which all Carls will be able to witness on Sunday as he premieres his act.
According to sources close to Carlson, his musical repertoire is “essentially the same as his political punditry but backed by an eight-piece accordion choir.” Sproncert attendees can reportedly expect a healthy variety of authentic nineteenth-century Viennese music, lighthearted humor and unprompted defenses of right-wing Christian nationalism while enjoying their Kona Ice and twelve- or sixteen-ounce alcoholic beverages with no more than 8% alcohol by volume on the scenic Field Behind the Rec.
Fans of Carlson’s television program, fear not! His team has adapted several of his beloved minigames and audience participation segments from his cable show to his Sproncert performance. According to spokesperson Donald Keynuts, he will definitely be performing the following segments: “Wheel of Prejudices,” which involves spinning a bedazzled wheel partitioned into various ethnic groups and religions and challenging Carlson to generate an angry rant about the demographic on the spot; “Shoot the Rhino,” which sends three lucky studio audience members on an all-expenses-paid hunting trip; “Hot Takes With Tuck,” when Carlson airs out opinions too radical for his usual crowd; and “Push an Elderly Dementia Patient Down a Flight of Stairs,” which Carlson describes as “fun for the whole family.” A particularly lucky Carl may get the chance to join Carlson on stage for any of these segments.
In anticipation of Carlson’s arrival, we talked with Carlson’s former foster son Ben More, currently a Carleton student and Managing Editor of the Carletonian. According to More, it’s possible that he will “finally accept me back into his life” once he sees that “my success in news has surpassed even his.” Furthermore, More offered some insights into Carlson’s act: “As long as nobody tries to censor him, we’ll all be fine. But Pappy Tuck will get mighty angry if any agents of the Deep State try to enforce their wokeism on him. Please don’t ruin this for me, guys — I need the night to go perfectly to counteract his disappointment in me for being a Spanish major.”
Carlson will take the stage at 9:15 p.m. on Saturday. Interested Carls can pick up a bingo card filled with racial slurs during the hour preceding his set.
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