As May approaches, it’s now time to put into motion the housing plans you’ve been dreading since you opened your inbox to find the worst draw number in existence. Whether your number is 5 or 500, here are some common room draw mistakes and how to avoid them.
- Being overly optimistic
No, your 3312 is not getting you into Evans, dumbass. You’re not even getting Watson. Get ready to live in Musser with the unlucky freshmen and the raccoons who will inhabit the remaining rooms.
- Thinking your roommate preferences make you special
You pride yourself on wanting someone who cleans up after themselves and goes to bed at a late but not too late hour? Give me a break. You’re not special. Find a new point of pride.
- Assuming your current roommate wants to room with you again
They don’t. Dude, you came back at 1 a.m. drunk as hell, threw up in the recycling bin and told him to “forgive and forget that shit.” Hopefully forgiveness will be a lot easier next year, but you can forget being roommates with them again. Have fun!
- Being attacked by bears
This is why they hand out bear spray during New Student Week. Learn to use it. Keep it on a lanyard around your neck. You never know when Eric, Wallace and Gertrude, our resident grizzlies, might wander across your path in the morning. Already this year, four Carls have been attacked and eaten to death by our majestic neighbors. You will be safe if you take reasonable precautions.
- Being afraid of the walk from Goodhue
Once you consider Minnesota’s picturesque icy scenery and year-round ten-degree temperature, you realize it’s really not that bad. Plus, bonus calf workout from the uphill part of even a small walk, like the one to LDC. What you really have to worry about is Goodhue’s portal to the Underworld, not the walk.
- Thinking your number can’t possibly be worse next year
Oh baby, it can.
- Forgetting the Alamo
Hundreds of students make this mistake every year, but you will not be one of them. Remember to remember the Alamo this year and avoid the horrendous embarrassment of forgetting. Other commonly forgotten things to be careful of include the Maine, September and the Titans.
- Assuming lightning never strikes the same spot twice
Carleton is a small school, so it’s only a matter of time before history repeats itself. So yes, Myers might flood again. The Burton fire alarm might be triggered by another burnt sandwich. And there’s even a chance the Goodhue washing machine will catch fire a second time.
- Letting in that big wooden horse that keeps knocking at your door
Don’t do it! It’s a trick! I know it seems innocent, but a bunch of dudes are gonna jump out of that thing and try to fight you! Let’s think: which of your neighbors might want to do you in? Is there anybody you’ve pissed off recently? It doesn’t matter — just Don’t. Let. In. The. Horse. This is imperative.
- Missing your registration time
At this point, just transfer.
By following these ten principles, you, too, can get the dorming experience you want. But reject our advice, and you’ll get the dorming experience you deserve: Musser.
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