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Carleton to Be Demolished in Order to Build Oil Pipeline

Shocking all four attendees at Wednesday night’s CSA meeting, it was announced that Carleton College and oil giant ExxonMobil had reached a decision in their talks on the future of the liberal arts school’s campus, which sits directly over the planned path of a massive oil pipeline. Wally Weitz, chair of Carleton’s Board of Trustees, stood before the room beside Alison Byerly and former Exxon CEO Rex Tillerson to announce that Carleton would be torn to the ground this July, making way for the oil company’s project. Said Weitz, “we are pleased to finally begin seeing some return of investment on this place.” The college had recently experimented with building demolition over the summer, when Music Hall was torn to the ground to make way for a patch of grass, and proclaimed it a resounding success. According to the announcement, Carleton now feels it has enough practice to successfully demolish the rest of its campus. 

This move is expected to mend the rift between Carleton and the fossil fuel industry. Said Byerly, “it is essential to our community that we repair our ties to the benevolent oil, coal, and natural gas magnates who control our government and economy. After the disastrous effects of Divest Carleton, we are left without our beloved deal with Exxon to receive 40% off all oil, and simply put, we want it back.” 

Even considering the beneficial financial impact of this move on Carleton, it is unlikely to meet with the approval of several students. In particular, the pro-school group Carls for Carleton has voiced discontent and threatened that should Carleton be demolished, they would bomb the ruins in protest. However, a substantial number of students lie on the other side of the aisle, such as the members of Carleton Student Pollution Association. This group has conducted an in-depth cost-benefit analysis of the demolition of Carleton and found that the costs of housing, food, building maintenance, and faculty salaries would decrease by 100% after the demolition. According to their statement, the cash freed up could be redirected toward more useful pursuits such as lobbying and paying out lawsuit settlements. The two groups have agreed to settle their differences in a dance fight this Sunday. 

To conclude the CSA meeting, Byerly announced to the room, “you’re free! We’re all finally free!” before running from the room cackling, performing a cartwheel, and inviting three separate students to “come check out my microscope collection.” 

Carleton has announced that fifteen summer internships will be offered to students interested in a career in demolition.

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