As students return to campus, so do the mysterious colds and viruses that generally accompany them. This term, after facing criticism for their typically lackluster response to sick students, SHAC has decided to increase their treatment options. According to their website, SHAC still believes that antibiotics should be abolished, as should actually getting an appointment before the illness has passed, but they have introduced new, or rather, recycled treatment options.
The main new treatment SHAC will be offering to ill students this term will be bloodletting. According to an informational guide, this practice will be used to treat “both mental and physical ailments,” as it will allow for the release of both germs and stress. And since students may be slightly behind on homework due to the ailment that brought them to SHAC and the time involved in the bloodletting procedure, this procedure will be performed in classrooms for increased convenience. For students who do not have classes on the day they require the procedure, SHAC staff is willing to meet students in the Libe or Sayles, and they soon hope to expand their capabilities to anywhere students may be doing homework.
“We know the stress of being sick during academic terms can be a challenge, so we aim to make this process as easy as possible for students,” said a member of the SHAC staff. “We want students to know that SHAC is a resource that can truly help them. That’s why we’re going to bring bloodletting to other locations on campus as soon as we can.”
Students reported some hesitancy about trying bloodletting, but the SHAC staff has reportedly been “extraordinarily considerate” when explaining and preparing for the procedure, said one member of the Class of 2022 who made the decision to try the new treatment after what they described as “significant deliberation.”
“When SHAC told me that they would be treating my strep throat with bloodletting, I was a bit surprised, to be honest,” said one student in the class of 2024. “In the past, I’ve heard they’ve just given students antibiotics, but they told me this was safer and had fewer side effects, so I figured why not? It was certainly easy. They came to my econ class, and I was even able to give a presentation while they did it. I would recommend the procedure to absolutely anyone.”
If the bloodletting program goes well, SHAC plans to introduce a few more new treatment options. While SHAC staff insisted that most of these options will be a surprise to give sick students something to look forward to, The Carletonian was able to obtain information revealing that SHAC will soon be acquiring pet leeches for medical use.
A draft of a plan for housing the leeches included that they will be housed in Cassat singles and that their names will be Leechie, Lechuletta, Mila Jr. and Leeeeeeechel.
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