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Carleton hoping to win competitive hammocking tournament

This weekend, Carleton will be facing off against St. Olaf at MIACHs (Most Intense And Competitive Hammocking). MIACHs are held yearly on Carleton’s campus at a rotating location in the Arb. This year, they will be held at 45.3876° N, 75.6960° W. Typically, the competition is held on the Sunday of midterm break weekend, but occasionally is moved due to inclement weather. All participants are expected to show up with hammocks or friends with hammocks, and are expected to be aware of the scoring system. Each competition sees multiple events scored:

Hammockers who ~hydrate~ the most. #frickdryszn #easywin

The school that can boast the MOST enthusiastic hammockers. 

The school that has the most school spirit. (Anyone seen Schiller lately?)

The most dedicated hammocker. Are you able to withstand the smell of the turkey farm next door? Will you persist hammocking even as your groupmates in your Zoom breakout room yell at you because your constant swaying is making them zoomsick?

In past years, Carleton has had a strong show of support for this event, especially in the ~hydrating~ category. Notably, in 2003, student Will Williamson ‘04 drank enough that he became more tree than person. Williamson’s brave yet healthy sacrifice is a testament to how seriously this competition is taken by Carls. 

In subsequent years, many Carls have been spotted making pilgrimages to the Arb on the eve of the tournament—it is considered a sign of luck to spot determined hammockers chugging sap from the surrounding trees. There has even been some participation from the football team—their sacrifice in drinking sap over alcohol is an effort that certainly has not gone unnoticed.

Another one of Carleton’s greatest triumphs in competitive hammocking came several tournaments later, when the Oles sang a rousing rendition of their fight song—O Holy Night—failing to realize that their mellifluous voices would compel the trees to kneel in prayer, dropping their most laden hammock to the ground. Human and tree bones (branches are tree bones, right?) carpeting the ground, the school had a particularly difficult time scoring that year. 

Not only did their efforts to win the full hammock category get canceled out by their valiant attempts to win the school spirit category, but tragically all Oles deserted once blood was spilled, thus taking them out of the running for scoring points for having the most hammockers. After having spent the day engaging in intense lounging, they Ubered the short distance to Olaf.

However, St. Olaf has seen success in recent years. It is unclear whether this can be attributed to luck, or an unfortunate downturn in Carleton school spirit. However, it is worth noting that there appears to be a correlation with the number of Leos they have in attendance with their number of points scored. 

A survey conducted in 2016 by students in ASTR 101: Introduction to Astrological Signs found that every year an Olaf victory was recorded, at least 73/95 of students in attendance had the astrological sign of Leo. Coincidentally—or, more likely, NOT coincidentally—St. Olaf’s mascot is a lion.

This does not bode well for Carleton; after all, there is currently no knight astrological sign. However, all hope is not lost. Carleton has prevailed in over half of all MIACHs since the event’s founding due to their unfailing enthusiasm for doing anything but schoolwork during daylight hours.

Student and leader of the 4H club (Horizontally High-Hanging Hammockers) Leif E. Turee ‘22 said, “I feel ready this year. I think after being inside for so long, Carls will want to come out and support us. Also, who can resist a chance to beat the Oles? I know I can’t. That’s what keeps me up at night. Well, that and my neighbors who vacuum at 1 a.m.”

Roll Knights! (But don’t roll off the hammock because that results in disqualification.)

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