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Life hack: five ways to use glue besides sticking things together

Everybody knows that glue can be used as an adhesive or to increase the altogether stickiness of any object or surface, excluding glue itself. In fact, attentive readers will note that in the word “glue,” the letters G, L, U, and E are particularly close together, almost as if they are stuck together. But did you know that glue can actually be used for many different purposes? The makers of every product except for glue have come together in what is probably a concerted effort to stop us hardworking Americans from using glue properly, but that stops now. Here are five ways to use glue besides sticking things together—you’ll never believe numbers five, four, three, two, and one!

5: Self-Defense

Imagine you’re walking through the bad part of town at night. The last thing you would want would be for a criminal to come out of the shadows and try to commit a crime using you. Urgently rifling through your pockets, you realize you don’t have any weapons (thanks Obama). All you have is your trusty bottle of Elmer’s. This may be a sticky situation, but you’ve already got everything you need. Simply produce the glue bottle and begin brandishing it in various directions. The criminal will see the sturdy base and pointed tip. They will immediately think you have some kind of new weapon they have never heard of before. This will cause the criminal to run away and maybe even stop doing crime. It is only possible to use this tactic when it’s too dark to see clearly, but, according to television and film, the vast majority of criminals do their crimes at night anyway.

4: Sustenance

You all saw this one coming. Yes, it is possible—not only possible, but probable—to consume glue. One may use it as a condiment, a frosting, an emulsifier, an ingredient (as in the case of papier-mache, a French recipe), or simply ingest it head-on. Glue occupies the lonely and elusive tristate area at the intersection of beverage, entree, and soup. However, it has a distinctive flavor that Yahoo Answers commenter “Moderator” described six years ago as “[S]weet…even sweeter than honey…I’ve been eating [it] for 48 years of my life.” This mysterious individual may now be on his 54th year of eating glue, and you could begin your first as soon as today. And to those naysayers who diminish the experiences of glue-eaters worldwide: If humans were not meant to consume glue, then why does the glue stick take on such a similar appearance to that of the push-pop?

3: Lotion

You can use glue as lotion. The Bald Spot does not recommend doing that.

2: Interior Decorating

A lot of people reading this probably haven’t thought about it yet, but you will eventually need to purchase a house. Once you do that, you will have to paint the house. Now, every president in history has preferred his house to be white, making white a popular choice for painting one’s house. But what if you run out of white paint? It might feel at first like you just lost Iowa to a primary challenger. Wait—what’s that in your junk drawer? It’s that campaign-saving endorsement everyone can unite behind: Glue! Since glue is white, it can be used to paint things white. You will have to use a lot of it, but all the best life hacks take massive amounts of work. Glue walls are uniquely capable of catching houseflies and unruly children.

1: Anything Else You Can Think Of

Glue, as we have shown you on this side of the newspaper, is a universal truth. Something has to keep each square on the sidewalk affixed to its concrete conga line. Something has to keep bananas bunched; something must keep the sun affixed to the earth’s underbelly at night. Glue is a keeper, but it hungers to be kept. Therefore, there is no need to adhere to adhesive. Harness glue. Let your imagination be unstuck, and let the roads run white with creativity.

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