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OHP uses fitness bracelets to track Carls: data is damning

In our modern age of technology, data is a hot commodity. Carleton College is particularly well known for its infatuation with hard numbers. Our bathrooms are adorned with SHAC (Shaky Hands and Coffee) posters boasting students’ ability to not poison themselves with alcohol. Statistics is a requirement for practically every major. There are countless emails sent to students soliciting survey participation. Many people on-campus identify themselves as members of the 1%. Simply, data is all around us. This is not to say that this data obsession is unconcerning, however.

You may not be aware of this, but Carleton College is doing intensive data surveillance on students right now.

How? Well, it’s the fitness bracelets. These seemingly innocuous accessories are nefarious gadgets working in cahoots with THE MAN.

The college started offering these bracelets at the beginning of the 2019-2020 school year. Suspiciously, the bracelets were available for students to rent cost-free from the OHP (Office of Hospitality and Passion). Officials of the college publicly stated the bracelets are intended to encourage students to be more health-conscious.

The truth, however, is the college initiated this program to harvest information about the sleep habits of students. Professionals on campus were unsure if Carleton students were really as sleep-deprived as they claimed. After reviewing the data, there are no doubts. On average, students at Carleton sleep for 66 seconds a night.

A concerned professor commented on the shocking numbers: “This is despicable. No human should have to work under such conditions. Upon seeing the data, I revised my syllabus. I assign a mere 400 pages of reading a night instead of 500.”

In response to the data result, one senior statistics major claimed: “I am 95% confident that my heart will fail me in 7-10 days if I don’t sleep.

Student sleep-activists have rallied in light of the sleep data and are planning a “sleep-in” during classes.

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