This just in: Carleton senior Will Williams made it 30 whole minutes without mentioning that he’s off-board. Williams, who is indeed off-board, has set a new campus record, breaking the previous record of 26 minutes.
Being off-board means that a student does not pay for a Bon Appétit meal plan. Williams tends to mention it whenever anyone comments on the curry he noisily eats out of a tupperware during 3a.
“Wow, I can smell your food from here,” said one passive-aggressive student to Williams in class. “Oh, yeah,” Williams smiled proudly. “Last night’s leftovers make a great breakfast. Being off-board is so much easier!”
How exactly did Williams manage to break the record? “Oh I don’t know, I don’t think it’s that big a deal. Being off-board is amazing, but I just don’t really feel the need to talk about it anymore,” said Williams, as he repeatedly refreshed the “looking-for-free-food” email listserv.
“It really is great though,” said Williams as he ducked into the Athenaeum in the middle of a lecture to shovel some loose crackers and cheese into his backpack. “Did you know that Bon App is like, ridiculously overpriced? I’m really over it. And making my own food is just so fun, too. I love to cook.”
Sources close to Williams report that for dinner last night, he ate a dry bowl of Lucky Charms and a single rotten banana.
“Performative? I don’t really know what you mean,” said Williams, taking a sip from his mason jar. “I carry my water in this jar because it’s more sustainable, and besides, it’s actually really convenient.” The glass jar, when full, weighs three times as much as a full Nalgene. If dropped, it will shatter.
Before class this morning, Williams spent an hour washing his housemates’ dishes. “It’s really not that bad. I just listen to a podcast and it goes by fast,” Williams said as he used his fingernails to extract a wilted piece of spinach from the drain. A long strand of hair was coiled around it. “Part of communal living means everyone pitches in to take care of chores.” Williams smiled stiffly, reaching for a tupperware that contained half of an El Tri burrito sitting in colagulated green sauce. The tupperware was not his, but had been sitting by the sink for the last two weeks.
At press time, Williams, a studio art major, was attending a common-time lecture about the atomic theory of the Galilean transform equation, at which free Domino’s happened to be provided.