Has anyone looked at the student driver application lately? I mean, really inspected it? I checked it out for the first time recently, and I have to admit there are some aspects that are just a bit concerning. Driver eligibility functions on a point system where drivers rack up points for committing traffic violations. Go over 14 points, and your student driver status is revoked. So far, so good. But wait. Points only count for 36 months. So if, as a freshman, you manage to drive under the influence, refuse a breath test, commit criminal vehicular homicide, leave the scene of an accident, drive after license revocation, AND get convicted for reckless driving, you would technically still be eligible to be a campus driver as a senior…right?
Furthermore, each of these offences will land you with exactly 15 points – just one single point over the threshold for having your student driver status revoked. By my calculations, this means Carleton believes that criminal vehicular homicide makes you exactly 7.14% ineligible to be a campus driver. This seems a tad bit low.
Anyway, I think we can all agree that the student driver application needs a significant overhaul. Not only is it rather sketchy, it also does not reflect the campus’s true needs and priorities. In light of this, I propose the adoption of the highly sophisticated four-category evaluation system featured below:
We’d love to have you!
-Really super willing to give up any semblance of a personal life to drive people wherever they need to go at any time of day with zero advance notice
-Can sort of parallel park, sometimes
-Thinks that campus vans are the height of style
Ehh…we can live with this
-Highly susceptible to road rage
-Eats with both hands while driving
-Keeps gas tank disturbingly low
-Has never driven during a Minnesota winter
-Signals three blocks ahead of time just to be safe
-Just sits and stares at you when you’re both stopped at a stop sign
-Puts hands at 10 and 12 o’clock on the steering wheel
-Failed parallel parking on driver’s license test
-Expert parallel parker who sneaks into impossibly small spots, leaving the mediocre parallel parkers among us unable to get out
-Has received a parking ticket, for any reason, at any time, anywhere, ever
-Didn’t put enough quarters in the parking meter that one time
-Doesn’t check engine when check engine light comes on
-Always takes the parking spot you’ve been waiting for