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Enterprising reporter reviews all vending machines on campus

Reviews of Carleton vending Machines:

Laird: 4 out of 5 stars; Accepts: Schillers and $$$

The vending machine maintains a menu of the best resources often because of its elusive placement in the basement of an oft locked building. This machine is for the discerning connoisseur, but although the selection is tasteful, the layout was less impressive. Choosing to keep all the chip bags on the top gave the machine a top heavy appearance and all the healthy food was huddled together in the middle as opposed to sprinkled playfully throughout to blend in. As RA Jake Woodward remarked “I like the option of maybe accidentally ordering something healthy” an option that this layout virtually eliminates.

Cassat: 3 out of 4 stars; Ac-cepts: Schillers and $$$$

“The Cassat vending machine is a more accessible high class vending machine. Never fully stocked, it does usually have more choices than the machine in Sayles and is in a building that is always Onecard accessible. The selection takes the diner on a bizarre snacking adventure, offering items that aren’t typical snacking material, for example, WarHead Sour Chewy Cubes (actual name) and veggie Toasted Wheat Thin Chips. Though the combinations are bold, they might just pay off in a new favorite snack. The discerning foodie will notice several redundancies in the selection, there is a heavy reliance on Reese’s peanut butter cups and Kind bars. Nestled in a dark corner near two drink machines this vending machine is a slightly eccentric up-scale experience, but a reliably interesting snacking option.”

Weitz: “Meh” stars; Accepts: ???

“The Weitz vending machine placed in a idyllic, quaint, town setting frankly is not worth the trip. It is possibly a great destination snacking experience, but this intrepid reporter could not comment on it because she did not feel like walking all that way.”

Goodhue: 1 star; Accepts: Coins? Ghost money?

“At first, it appeared the Goodie vending machine, fully stocked with great snack choices, was completely inaccessible. The displays were off and therefore the machine would not accept any form of currency. This sort of made the machine intriguing, like a celebrity, beautiful and perfect in its unreachable plastic box. Upon further inspection it was simply unplugged because of the annoying noise it makes. This discovery took away a lot of the intrigue from this machine, leaving it simply dysfunctional. It is beautifully stocked with prime choices, but only accepts coins and constantly makes a horrible beeping noise. What do we recommend to order if you do somehow manage to extract food from this machine? As Brendan Friesen says “Nothing else is even close to as good as gloworms ever.”

CMC: 4 Stars; Accepts: $$$$

“Following similar stylistic guidelines to the machine in Laird, presumably the biggest competition for this machine, this machine offers nothing new. The CMC vending machine is like buying a mini-van when you start a family; a relatively good reasonable choice with no pizazz or spark. Well stocked with the usual comfort fare its presentation is original and clear, but lacks artistry or surprise. Unlike its Laird neighbor, it does not accept Schillers, but will accept cash. The IHOP of academic building vending machines, it, along with several others, is accessible 24-7 to any one with a Onecard. Check out this reliable machine and relive your childhood with airheads.” 

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