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East Side Versus West Side: A Campus Drama (not really)

Let’s be real. Goodhue is the straight hood as far as the Carleton College campus is concerned. Sure, there are parts in the United States that merit the term much more than our dear East Side building, but the struggle can be real for the homies on the other side of Lyman Lakes. Mayte Aldrett, a first year resident, speaks to the daily rise and grind. “Man… I’m just trying to make it out the projects, you know what I’m saying?” With a daily commute to the rest of civilization of 16.2 minutes on foot, Aldrett earns her nine-to-five working at the LDC whippin’ and flippin’ them yams. “Y’all need to recognize that these breakfast shifts are tough especially coming from the ‘hue”.

Concerning East and West Side turf conflicts, most of the increased violence coming from both sides deals with the pizza in their respective dining halls. Bon Appetit pledges no allegiance to either side of campus and a representative from the dining service refused to provide any comment for the purposes of this report. Naturally, the silence from one of the major dope sustainable food dealers on the community begs the question of what is being hidden from the public. Are whole milk packages being smuggled through produce imports behind the Burton complex? Is Bon Appetit nothing but a front to launder money from the sales of real barbacoa beef from Monterrey? At this point, we really cannot trust the system especially in these times of great uncertainty.

West Side representatives have their own thoughts on the living arrangements on complex side of campus. Johnny Zapata, a junior townhouse resident, describes his area as “pretty dope” with Burton and Sayles serving as the “main hub for gangsta related activities”. Musser, however was characterized as “a glorified traphouse disguised as a rehab center.” Zapata, an Economics major, asserted that after living in Goodhue freshman year, he can attest to the reality that Goodhue is by far more ghetto given the fact that everyone leaves the ‘hue but no one ever visits.

Questions still linger in regards to the relationship between both communities. The statistical reality is that most medical transports have come from Goodhue for some reason. Were they all strictly alcohol situations or were there a couple punches, stabbings, and hurtful words exchanged between residents from both sides? Is there a conspiracy theory to be analyzed from the recent train of events? Are Musser residents retaliating against the East Side community for stacking plates and cups on the Burton Dining Hall and making the hustle of dining hall workers a miserable one? Has science gone too far?

This is clearly a lot to take in. A close eye will be kept on the developments of these situations as no one’s safety is currently guaranteed because it is definitely not like we live in the type of suburban, upper-middle class white neighborhood with genuinely caring security watching out for us with our best interests at heart. Definitely not the case, so in the meantime, hide yo kids, hide yo comps, and hide yo sustainability cups because things are getting intense.

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