The freshman flu (also known as the FF) is the affectionate name given to the plague that takes over campus following the arrival of the newest class each year. With symptoms ranging from sneezing and coughing to chills and smallpox-like spots, the FF is sure to keep you out of class for a few days, resulting in a backlog of homework that you will not recover from until week 7. Of course, these students must make their way to SHAC for some good and reliable treatment, having nowhere else to turn (with participation grades at stake). This year, it appeared like normal, with covid, flu and Myers mold-related illness sweeping campus in week 2. But unbeknownst to the class of 2028 (and afflicted upperclassmen), SHAC has recently adopted a new appointment sign-up arrangement that bears a striking resemblance to the highly effective system of Ticketmaster, making the search for treatment this year the most vicious contest it has ever been.
We interviewed the SHAC powers that be to help you understand the process that students would go through under this system. We’ve been told that freshmen are instructed to sign up for a “presale” code which, if received, would get them access to better time slots (and qualified nurses, instead of junior Biology majors). Appointments ranged from 9AM slots with SHAC employees, to 11PM slots with “students majoring in humanities who thought about joining the pre-health track once” in the tunnel between Cassat and James. Students would apply this “presale” code when access opened, and wait in the queue to get an appointment. When we asked SHAC employees what caused them to adopt this new program, one nurse explained, “I had to go through it buying tickets for a Pink concert. If it’s good enough for her, it’s good enough for me.”
Many students suffering deeply from the FF did not receive a pre-sale code and could therefore not book an appointment slot sooner than three weeks away. “I logged on when the slots opened at 9am on the dot but I was 5,000th in the queue,” said first year student Francesca Counts, “There were only 10 time slots available, and 9 of them overlapped with my classes.” This explains the black market-esque convention in the basement of Myers Hall that you may have witnessed if you yourself have any role in the various businesses conducted in that location. In this ‘market’, students attempt to purchase slot times from one another, offering trades ranging from cash to campus commodities to first-born children.. One student who managed to get an appointment from this endeavor shared, “Negotiation started at $300, but I managed to get the price down to just 50 of my dining dollars.” Crafty freshman Elin Wellman shared, “I wasn’t sick, but I got a code anyway. I traded my code away for access to an upperclassman’s car for one Target run per week.” It’s not all so easy, though – once your trade is arranged, a super secret meeting must be made, at a time unknown to anyone, when one student will cancel their appointment and the individual purchasing it will book the now available time. Before the freshmen learned the tricks of this business, instances were reported of students searching other people’s google calendars for any suspiciously timed or brief meetings.
An anonymous source shared that a group of rebellious students plotted a cough-drop heist, scheduled to take place at 1 a.m. this past Saturday, which aimed to limit the access of those lucky students with appointments to gaining any more free items from SHAC. It took a turn, however, and SHAC employees returned today to an office trashed by these freshmen. “They stole all of our cough drops, tissues, and fun stickers, and they flipped all of our furniture upside down. They even messed around with the zen garden in the waiting room,” one employee testified. While we have yet to see the ramifications of this new system, we’ve been told multiple students were cured of their illness while still waiting in the queue. A nurse explained, “It’s a matter of principle at this point. We don’t care about your health.”