Many Carleton students and faculty have been complaining about something called Brain Rot. Not knowing that this is a type of social media content, the Carleton Neuroscience Department took it upon themselves to look misguidedly into the cause of what is causing neurological decay. The small department looked for something even smaller: a parasite, flesh-eating amoeba, etc.—it was their time to finally shine. Using the new Zip Car service offered on campus, they headed to the nearest hospital that would let them use picture technology, with students who had responded to their campus announcement cash bribes in tow. Their results shockingly found that it was not just social media eating away at the brains of students–there was also a brainworm!

In one grainy MRI photo, the neuroscience professors could just about make out a brainworm –  and not just any old brainworm! Upon closer inspection of the student’s brain, it became recognizable as the most infamous brainworm of all— the same one that notably excavated Robert F. Kennedy’s entire brain. I may be just one brainworm that craves attention, but the fact that it did travel from participant to participant all the way to MN to stay in the limelight shows just how far it is willing to go. Unlike its original host, the worm itself is not conservative with its opinions. Ever since Kennedy dropped out of the race, it has been searching far and wide for another ear to whisper in. 

That was actually how they figured out who this once insignificant squiggly white thing was. The student who possessed the brain worm in the study reported hearing a high-pitched, fairy-like voice. Though it most likely chose to survey Carleton for its rocky political relationship with the general populace of Northfield, or perhaps failed to reach the brain of Governor Tim Walz, apparently Kennedy’s brainworm is over its political science phase and now more focused on gaining power and destroying its hosts’ ego. So of course, it starts with the classic line of, “Do you know who I am?” and then continues by praying on your every insecurity until you are a shell of a human being, at which point it can move along to the next egotistical frisbee player or econ professor. 

You actually may have seen the brainworm in action. Did you see the New Student Week CarlTalk on consent with the use of a pizza metaphor? Brainworm. Have you heard that many things are breaking down in the new (and old) multicultural houses? Brainworm. Did you notice the significant decline in quality in the first Clap of the year? Brainworm. It comes and goes quickly, but leaves behind its symptoms of chaos that last at least another few weeks. 

If the host isn’t cutting its insatiable need for anarchy and a tracking spotlight, it will leave. It may never die, but there is a way to evade its hypnosis. The neuroscience department made up of 2 people has recommended that people simply become reclusive and participate in nothing–in other words, act like it’s week 8 all the time. If you have no audience to which it can perform, the worm will not make you its puppet. Good luck out there and remember, don’t talk to me (or anyone else).